It is Well with My Soul

  As I was preparing snacks for Abby's doctors visits this morning, I noticed some not so yummy looking grapes in the big bag in the fridge. I quickly removed the bad ones so they wouldn't spoil the good ones, washed the good ones and placed them in a baggy to bring with us. And then I got to thinking...

  What are the "bad" grapes in my life? Or, what are the things in my life that are hindering me from being all that I can be? Or the toughest question, what does God see in my life that I don't see that needs to be removed so that I can become more like Him?

 The last several months have been the bearer of some of the hardest and darkest moments emotionally and spiritually for me that I can ever remember. In February of 2016, Dave and I decided we would stop using any form of birth control and begin trying for a sibling for our adopted little girl, Abigail. As a nurse, I knew the intricacies of a baby being conceived and planned on it taking a few months. A few months turned into several months and nothing. I started to become concerned. I'm pretty in tune with my body and this just wasn't making sense. We are both young and healthy...it should be pretty easy, right?? We hit the 10 month mark and I couldn't stand it anymore. I needed answers. In November of  2016, we began seeing an infertility specialist. I went through a month of long and sometimes painful exams and procedures to then be told everything with me was fine. We used medications and injections for one month to try and conceive...nothing. So, in January of 2017, Dave was tested. In the back of my head, I had a fear that it might be him but never really thought it would happen. And then we got the phone call. My fear was a reality. The doctor calmly and matter of factly told us that without IUI or IVF, our chances of conceiving naturally were 3-4% with a decline every year we didn't conceive. I was devastated. Dave was devastated. This was my worst fear come true. My dream from the time I was a little girl was to be pregnant and have lots of kids and in that one conversation that dream came crashing down.

  Dave and I had many conversations about doing a procedure vs. continuing naturally. After much prayer and counseling, we decided to not do any medical intervention at this time and are continuing to trust that if God wants us to have a child biologically, He will create a miracle inside of me. However, there is a reminder every month that the miracle hasn't taken place yet. I recently began seeing a counselor to work through the emotional rollercoaster of this dreaded title of infertility. She asked me, "Catherine, if you were to sit with God and ask Him for a baby and He said 'No.' Then what would you ask?" And I immediately said, "That He would take away this ache and desire to be pregnant...to feel a child growing inside of me...to breastfeed my own child...to have a child that looks like me and my husband." And my counselor calmly said, "And what if God says no to that too?" My eyes began to well up with tears. "Then, I would ask Him to give me the strength to trust Him; the patience to have faith in His character; and the peace to be kind to others when I feel life is unfair."

  We live in a fallen world. God never promises pain-free living and prosperity...what He does promise is pain and persecution. 1 Peter 5:10 says, "And after you have suffered a little while, the God of grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." My hope is not in the things of this world, but in Heaven. I was not created for the main purpose of bearing children (though I would like to think that); my main purpose for being created is to bring glory to God. If through this time of infertility I will bring God the most glory, then there is no place I would rather be. 1 Peter 4:10 says, "Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good." My job isn't to understand God's plan, but to be obedient in His plan while doing good. Isaiah 55:8-9 says, "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thought." God has a purpose and plan for my life that is "plans for welfare and not for evil, to give me a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)

  So, I'm trusting Jesus to fulfill the desires of my heart...to one day biologically carry a child of my own. But even if that doesn't happen, I will still praise Jesus for His goodness and love and say, "Because of God's love for me and salvation from sin with hope of eternity forever with Him, it is well with my soul."